What did i do today? Monday, July 24, 2006
To be happy or to be sad?
Yesterday evening was a long long one that lasted till wee hours in the morning. Went to VE earlier. Then after i thought i was late to reach airport by 11pm. Travelled at 110km/hr. My bike couldnt take it. I reached the airport and realised the flight was at 120am. ZH, never tell, caused me to speed on the road.*hahaha* Took a lot of pictures before our main character leaves Singapore. Saw Ah meng as well. We also sat at Starbucks and chatted quite long. We will all miss you here in Singapore. And must really, 'NU LI' like what your uncle told you ah.*Haha* Yups, after ZH left, went to the land of 'Bapoks'. Changi Village~! Went to have supper, no other ill intention please. I could puke. The food there was good, then we left about 2.30am. It such a long travel back home. How i wish i could stay in the airport. I just love planes so damn much. I could see myself soaring away like the birds. Dreaming? No, i will acomplish this dream when i get older. Its FOC today, am i really anticipating it now? I dont know, but i kept telling myself that even if i am sad, i will pass a day, so why not be happy about it? i have to stop focusing on the negative, because it will only get bigger. I have to focus on the positive and let it grow bigger.But then...
Feelings.... I have to keep on telling myself that i had to control feelings or feelings will control me. I really hope its going somewhere, if not i am still stucked in the cage of emotional turmoils. Move on pls, move on.... I want to move on, i really want to. A lot of people dont understand, what i need is not attention, but encouragement. Everytime i take one step forward, i fall two steps back. I try all the time, sometimes i thought i succeeded and yet i fall down again. When will i step out? Now, let it be now, i am really tired of this kind of life. You hurt me so deep and what i have been doing for years is to pour salt into my wound. I am stupid, i let emotions overruled my mind. I couldnt think rationally. I promise myself it wont be for long everytime, but i am still stucked here at square one. You left for higher grounds, but i am still left in the pits. Some one please lead me..I want to move on. MOVE ON... Everyone around me is trying to move on, come on, bring me along with you all. I cried, and now i should gather my courage to push on. I will achieve my goals. If others could do it, why couldnt i? If you are heartless why cant i? If the other you treats me like dirt, why cant i?
Dino mei mei told me that i will look back sometimes and treasure these memories, but why do i feel that its more of a series of nightmares? It my major obstacles in my life. I really hope i didnt need any life bouay to support me, that i could swim to the shores, but the closer i get to the shores, the stronger the wave will be to push me out. Why? I need a light to guide me. I am like a sheep that has lost it's shepherd.
To all those who scorned me, i will be back once i am on the roads again. I promise, i will haunt you all. Dont worry, i wont get bitter, but i will prove to you all that i will only get better. Because i know, i am already in the pits, the only way is up. To those who walked with me, i thank you all, for your accompany when i needed it. I really appreciate you people. And to those who walked away from me, thanks for walking with me half-way, you let me realised those who accompanied me all the way are those that i should really treasure and not Toms, Dicks and Harrys like you guys. You desserted me and i will prove you wrong.
Wont be back till FOC ends, anyway, this song has been going on my head many many times. I will make it, because God answers prayer.
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
So I cry sometimes when I'm lying in my bed
To get it all out what's in my head
Then I start feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
I take a deep breaththen I get real high
Then I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
What's up by 4 Non blondes
Shades of black and white
7/24/2006 11:46:00 am
The most colourful one would be you